Life in the Kid's Lane

Where have I been all your life?

A question that crosses the minds of most that meet me, however, more appropriately titled: Where have I been the last 11 months? The truth is, I have been very busy doing: fathering, working, traveling, husbandry (not the animal type, the management of domestic affairs or of resources generally.) writing (anywhere but on my blog) etc., etc., etc. I could also have been being lazy, watching TV and sleeping in (if only). I'll let you be the judge.

In any event, I will try and get you caught up on the highlights of the last year. Spring Break, Summer Break, school starting, Thanksgiving, arrival of Kid #4, Christmas, and New Year's. The most exciting part was the arrival of Kid #4 somewhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It could have been one of those "I didn't know I was Pregnant" shows, except we knew in about April of 2009. I was personally in complete shock, I thought I was done, but just as I expected, when he got here, things were fine.

So there is the cliff Notes version of the Reader's Digest version of the last 10 months. I have been surprised at how many people have mentioned missing reading what has been happening, so I am trying again. I make no promises as to the frequency, quality or entertainment value of future posts, I just hope you keep checking back for more insights into my crazy life.

Vegas Baby!

A couple of weeks ago I had an opportunity to bring Kid #2 with me on a business trip to Las Vegas. I thought it was time for him to finally become a man. So as soon as we landed we hit the strip, and I mean BIG! We started at one end and didn't stop until the other end. (Where our hotel happened to be.) OK, so it wasn't as exciting as my poor attempt may have led you to believe. Please keep in mind that Kid #2 is not quite 5 and I am a 33 father of three, 8:30 is about as much as we can take! We hit Denny's about then and were right to the hotel for bed.

The amazing part to me was my son was nearly falling asleep at Denny's so I didn't think he retained much from the night before, but the next morning he woke up and told me about the hotels he saw: "The Pyramid, Castle, New York, Lion, Paris, Hollywood, Rome, the volcano that they are taking apart Daddy, why are they taking apart the volcano, Venice, a Spaceship, the Circus, and the tower." Which if you have ever driven down the strip you know that is every nearly hotel on the Las Vegas Strip.

But of all of that, the thing he couldn't wait to tell his mother and sister was that he touched a palm tree. As soon as we got out of the car at Denny's he asked if he could touch the palm tree. He touched three more palm trees at the hotel. I love the innocence of that child.

Poop is Funny

Now, I have to admit that I have an extreme repulsion to all things that smell bad. Now I know what all you women are thinking. "You don't really, you're just trying to get out of stinky diapers." I will admit it has been extremely helpful in my avoidance of diaper duty. (For all you men, if you would like tips, I will be holding a webinar later this month: "Poopy Diapers: Getting her to do it!") Now in all reality, I am extremely sensitive to smells, I even broke up with a girlfriend once because of the really bad breath she had after she woke up from naps. (Shallow, I know, but this is a real affliction!) So bad smells of any type easily trigger the gag-reflexes.

To compound the issue, if the stinky matter gets on my hands, you can almost guarantee a hurl. Like those times you try and check from behind to see if there is poop in the diaper, and you discover that you actually have stuck your finger into the mess up to your second knuckle?) I am almost throwing up thinking about it.

Now that you are riveted...let me go on. Last week I was at work on the phone with my lovely, patient wife. It seemed extremely quiet on the other end of the phone (and as many of you fathers know that is never a good sign.) So I am going to give you the play by play as I witnessed this event.

Me: "Honey, what are the kids doing?"

Honey: "I don't know I think the boys are playing together in their room."

Me: "Well why don't you go and check on them."

Honey: "OK, (elevator type music playing as she opens the door) AAAAHHHHH, no, no, no!!!!! I have to go!!! Dial tone."

Not exactly sure what had happened, I did what any concerned father would do. I kept working until she called me back. What? Did you think I was going to say I rushed home to see what had happened? You apparently are unaware of my wife's gift of over-reacting. A few moments later she did call me back and informed me that Kid #3 had gained possession of the plunger. (the plunger she had used only moments before to unclog an exceptionally nasty toilet) and had used it as a faux paintbrush all over the walls of his bedroom. Apparently much to the encouragement of his older brother who watched and laughed the entire time.

Now for those of you that do not know my wife is a bit of a clean-freak. That is a mild description, (Think Monica from Friends) She was so appalled at the scene, she removed every fabric in the room, washed it, and then rewashed it. She then sanitized every piece of furniture, toy, and wall in the room. She didn't think it was funny.

Another Poop Story:

Last Saturday, I decided to take all of the kids to a movie. I was brave enough to manage a 6, 5, and 2 year old at a movie. In case you didn't catch that, a novice father, took 3 little kids to a movie theater for a full length feature film. All of that actually went pretty well as did the trip to Denny's for lunch. I should have stopped there, but I got cocky, I thought I was a Superman, I could do anything. So I decided to take them all to Barnes & Noble. When we arrived, the two older kids needed to go to the restroom, so they did. Apparently so did the little one. I didn't notice until I was getting in line to pay for the book I wanted. I had come this far, I wasn't going to admit defeat. My wife had to know that I was truly a Superdad!

So as we snaked our way through the line, I desperately struggled to maintain a level tone with all three kids who were all inexplicably drawn to the books, chocolates, toys, and the 50,000 other clearance items strategically placed along the line just at their eye level. (I know that was a really long run-on sentence.) The whole purpose of this gauntlet of clearance items is to get you to buy things just to appease your kids while you wait in line. It is a marketing Brain child!

Now back to the story. As I was paying I was trying to pin Kid #3 with my leg and keep him from sitting down, he was yelling "Daddy owwie, owwie, it hurts daddy!!!" Now completely embarrassed, at the accusations, I was trying to hurry out to the truck with all kids in tow, so I could get Kid #3 changed. As I got to the truck I discovered my wife had sabotaged me, she was trying to test my true super abilities. There were no baby wipes.

So thinking quickly I decided to drive through the parking lot to Target to buy wipes. As I arrived at Target and got the kids out of the truck, I checked again and experienced the situation I described above: second knuckle? Remember? So now the poop is all over the clothes, and thankfully I was in the best location for one-stop shopping. I bought new pants, shirt and wipes. Holding back the vomit, I managed to get through the experience. Heading home, slightly queasy, I felt stronger for the experience.

What is the point of all this rambling? Poop is funny, in fact it is really, really funny...but not until after the fact.

Jesus Rocks, no Jesus Rocks the House!

So Kids #1 & #2 were getting ready for bed tonight and as they were waiting for the nightly bedtime smackdown between the reigning little weight champion (AKA 2 year old Kid #3) facing off once again against the over-tired, over-worked, under-paid, can't get enough Mom-O-The-Year, they decided to read some books.

The battle royale to get the Champion to bed is a nightly occurrence that replays itself night after night, so needless to say the jam-packed audience of 2 was unimpressed and the quick victory awarded to Mom-O-The-Year. Disappointed at the lack-luster performance of their youngest sibling,(A result of running like a wild man at Kid #3's school fair earlier tonight) they decide to look at the illustrated copy of the New Testament we have. As they were looking through the pictures, they came across the illustration depicting the miracle of when the Savior walked on the water.

Kid #1, not believing her eyes, nor her newly acquired ability to read, confirmed what she had actually seen and read with the new Smackdown Champion, who indeed verified that Jesus did actually walk on water. She was so amazed that all she could say was "Jesus rocks!" Whereupon Kid#2 not to be outdone by his older sister said, "No Jesus rocks the house!"

And so there you have it, in the off chance you were unclear before, Mom's do sometimes win the nightly battle royales with 2 year olds, little kids do like books, and Jesus in fact does rock, even rocks the house!

I'm Picking my Nose

Kid #2 has recently become afflicted with severe dry skin on his hands. His skin is peeling really badly. We are trying to keep Eucerin and other greasy, sticky ointments (the consistency of what I would guess liquid pig fat would be) all over his hands to keep them moisturized. He has taken to the habit of biting the skin off of his hands while he is idly sitting around. (Watching TV, laying in bed, etc.)

So the other day, he was performing one of these idle activities and his sister, (who often confuses herself with his mother) yells at him to stop biting his skin because it was gross. To which he replies, in an equally loud voice, "I am not biting my skin, I'm picking my nose!" I suppose we can't blame him, it had been awhile since we told him to not pick his nose...