Life in the Kid's Lane

Did you at least get a picture?

So my wife and I have a rule, well I have a rule that she sometimes follows, but mostly does what ever she wants. Sound familiar? One example, we go to a lot of social functions, and I am not that great at remembering people's names. So not to embarrass myself, I have told my wife (of nearly 8 1/2 years) that if I do not give the person's name when I introduce her to them, she is supposed to say, "...and tell me your name..." thus freeing me of embarrassment and maintaining a respect for the person, who I obviously do not have enough respect for, to remember their name. After all these years, this is how it plays out:

Me to John or Jane Doe: "This is my wife, Samantha" (not really my wife's name, but since I change the kids names I owe her the same respect, and Samantha is the name of Alyssa Milano's character from Who's the Boss, whom I love...Alyssa, not Samantha. I love Alyssa, and since we all know I have no chance, my wife lets her be my celebrity crush. Her crushes are Mike Piazza, and Dean Kane)

Sorry to digress, back to the dialog:

Me: "This is my wife Samantha..." They shake hands, smile, and...

Long uncomfortable pause... both look to me to complete the introductions...

Finally, John or Jane Doe: "Uh, my name is Franklin, nice to meet the lovely wife of the jerk who can't remember my name."

I would never be a good politician.

So back to the real reason you are here... On Sunday, I was in a meeting, and we, excuse me, I have another one of these rules about phone calls. She calls my cell, I can't answer, so I don't. If it is important she is to call right back, and I will excuse myself understanding it is important. So here I am in this meeting, she calls, I ignore, she calls back again, I excuse myself, answer, "Hi, what's wrong?!"

Wife: "Nothing, I'm just going to keep the kids home from church this morning because Kid #2 has a fever and is coughing."

Me: "OK, Wife, I just stepped out of a meeting to answer your call, and you just want to tell me that? That is not an emergency."

Wife: "Oh, sorry... talk to you later" As if she didn't know what I was doing at 7 AM on a Sunday morning.

So after the meeting, I saw her and adjusted the rule slightly and said, if it is an emergency, and I don't answer the call, send me a text, usually I can discreetly check the message and excuse myself if I need to.

That afternoon I am is a great one on one meeting, we are really making great progress, and my phone vibrates, I know its a call, and I don't answer it. Then a couple of minutes later I get a page, I don't look at it because again, this is an active, engaged one on one discussion. another page, and then another call, finally I answer it and it goes a little something like this:

Imagine the following monologue in an exasperated, slightly elevated tone, with the most obvious hint of disdain and sarcasm, OK, ready?

Wife: "Kid #2 and Kid #3 decided to have a "sleepover" in the top bunk for nap time. Apparently Kid #3 was crawling over his brother and Kid #2 didn't like it so he kicked Kid #3 in the face. Hard. There was blood everywhere, I put him in the shower to clean him up and he was so upset by the image he saw in the mirror that he cried harder, and started to puke. So there's blood and vomit and snot all over in the tub, he was crying for you because apparently you are the only parent that is able to calm him down and I tried to do what you asked but you ignored my call, and TWO pages."

Me: "You're right, I made a mistake, do you need me to come home ? I am coming right now..."

Wife (now in a flat calm voice): "No, everything is fine, I took care of it, he is calm and resting now. I made Kid #2 come into the bathroom to see all the blood and vomit so he could see what he had done."

What I wanted to say was "Did you at least get a picture so I could blog about it?"

I bet Samantha would have followed the rules...

I am truly an award winning father and husband.

Tender Heart

So the other night we were just finishing up dinner and as often is the case, my kids were talking about family, grandparents, cousins, the works. Kid #2 started asking me about my grandparents, all of whom are passed, and I never knew. He was amazed that someone would actually have grandparents they didn't know. The he asked me about my father and if he told me about my grandparents, to which I responded I've never known my father.

Now this is not the first time we have had this conversation, and every time it is a little difficult. I don't come from a typical family (not that anyone can really define that these days.) but my wife did, and that is what we have tried to provide for the kids. So as I explain this as gently as I can, while trying to not make it a big deal, it is obvious that Kid #2 is really struggling with this because he began to cry. (I know, I am very perceptive) So I asked him what was wrong, and feeling a little embarrassed, he tells me,  "Nothing, my eyes just leak sometimes when I've been drinking a lot of water." It was so upsetting for him to imagine a life where someone would not have known their grandparents, or even their father!

I am so touched with how much of a tender heart he is. He is such a sweet and caring boy and such a great example to me of how to be. I suppose I've become calloused with life and don't realize the simple things I have missed along the way. It does make me more resolute to be sure to give my kids the life I didn't have. I love my kids, and I am so glad that I can provide stability in their lives that they never have to worry about those sorts of things.

Blame it on the Kids

I am certain what has doomed my blogging is the fact that I listed some stupid thing like "Be a better blogger" as one of my New Year's resolutions. I would like to say that the reason I have been so neglectful in my blogging duties is because I have been working so diligently on my other resolutions. As far as the weight loss is concerned, I have lost and gained about five pounds, with the net result still where I started. Which isn't really that important, I have all year right? ;-) What about the book you ask? Well ever since I decided to do it, I have had an extreme case of writer's block, not to mention I have never, ever written a book before and have no idea what I am doing.

But, if we are all going to be honest with ourselves here, none of those things matter because this blog is about my misadventures in fatherhood. If nothing else, my fumbled attempts at disciplining, giving sound fatherly advice, and my never-ending "motivational experiments" are more than a bountiful fount of material. Or so one would think...

I would like to take this moment and completely absolve myself of guilt and place full responsibility for lack of material squarely on the shoulders of my three, apparently very boring children. Just blame it on the kids, I mean I know kids loose some degree of "cute factor" when they get older, but should it happen this soon? Here I am ready and willing to detail every single mishap, document any clever quip or phrase, but they are just not giving it to me. So please feel free, when you see them next to encourage them to try a bit harder. They may look at you strangely, mostly because you are probably a stranger, in which case, don't ever talk to my kids! We have a safe word, and if you don't know it you better cover up the junk and run. (Sickos!) But if you do know them they will still look blankly as if they are clueless and innocent (they play this well, but don't be fooled) I mean honestly, when it comes to the real reason why I haven't blogged, who are you going to trust, them or me?

The only thing that brings me comfort, is the overall lack of blogging in general. Maybe we need an omnibus stimulus package to get our blogging going again!