WARNING: I just want to qualify this post. Many of you understand that I say things here that leave me open for a wide array of judgments about my parenting skills and the eventual emotional challenges and subsequent therapy bills it will create for my kids. This post is no different. Some of you may wonder how I can say or think the things I do. In a nutshell, I am just being honest (most of the time ;-). So be warned, and if you have a negative judgment, please, keep it to yourself.
It was recently brought to my attention that there are a few of you that were not aware of the fact that we were having another baby until the#4 reference on this blog, or on my Facebook page. Let me clear the air a bit. Those that were in the know, are not better friends than the others. I've thought a lot about this and here is my response.
This baby was a surprise. Now I say that knowing many of you are skeptical and laughing. But please refrain from any Birds and Bees references and offers to properly instruct me as to the "real" origin of babies. I am fully aware of how babies are made, I have three others. We all know they come from sharing a toilet seat, or if you are a "Glee" fan apparently it also comes from sharing a hot tub.
So back to the story. I felt very unprepared. Now I realize even as I type, that doesn't make a lot of sense, I already have three, what's one more? Well we decided that we were done after #3 arrived. During his delivery, the doctor expressed great concern about the wife's ability to have another safe pregnancy. So we gave everything away, and I mean everything! Crib (real wood mahogany with a nice mattress and very nice bedding), play pen, swing, Papasan chair, Baby Bjorn, running stroller, walking stroller, umbrella stroller, bike trailer, car seat, designer jeans, etc. Your very welcome for the treasures you DI shoppers found.
I was unprepared for other reasons that I can't really explain very well. I felt this pit in my stomach, I was scared and ashamed. I compare it now to how a teenage boy must feel after he finds out his girlfriend used the same toilet seat. I was irritated because, I had plans for life, knowing we had all the kids in school, I could reason with all the kids, they were sleeping through the night, and most importantly they were all potty-trained. I was also worried because of the whole "concern for another safe pregnancy thing" from this point forward referred to the "bad thing" (imagine me raising my hands making the parenthesis sign with my fingers as you read "the bad thing"). Basically if "the bad thing" happened, both the wife and #3.5 (he's not #4 at this point, because he's still chillin in the womb) would die because by the time we would know about it, there was almost nothing that could be done. If the wife were to die, I didn't know what I would do. How could I raise my kids? I know people do it all the time, there are millions of single parent families, granted I am a great cook, they would not starve but I am not a patient man, I am not a great dad without the wife. She helps keep me reasonable when dealing with them. She makes sure they do their homework, Plus, who would kick me in the middle of the night, when she has a dream I was with another woman.
I realize I was selfish, I was thinking only about myself, and I also realize it was that selfishness that got in the way of me being excited about this kid. I look back now and I didn't read to him like I did with the other kids, I went to only one of the OB appts. I put off getting another crib, picking a name, all of the things I was excited about the first three times, I was disconnected. I think I was afraid of getting attached and then having to deal with loosing him. He was born somewhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas (I am intentionally being vague for all you crazy stalkers that will steal his identity and run up a bunch of credit card debt in his name) I was not looking forward to Christmas at all either, and I LOVE Christmas.
I was a mess when we went to the hospital but when the baby was born, and all was well, the worries that had been plaguing me during the entire pregnancy just vanished. I fell for him, just like the other kids right away. It helps that he is super cute and a really good baby, because lets be honest, ugly babies are hard to look at. I mean I wouldn't know, all my kids have been beautiful, so its been easy to love them. There's a reason the phrase "he has a face only a mother could love" exists! (don't get worked up I'm just kidding, all babies are cute, even the ugly ones!) But seriously, look at them!
Of course, mom is his favorite right now, something about 9 months of "bonding" and food, I don't pretend to understand. But I can make him smile and he takes it like a man when #3 body-slams him on the bed, but that only happens when the wife is out getting some "me" time.
So, there you have it, all my insecurities right out there on the page for you to consume. I wasn't keeping it secret, and only telling a "special club" of friends (wink, wink to those in "the club"). Please forgive me if you find yourself in that group of my friends who weren't in the know. And for those of you that didn't get it after my previous post where I mentioned #4 for the first time, you didn't deserve to know before now anyway.
I am pretty sure this is the first I've read/heard about baby #4, so I will surely not be one to criticize. P.S. if you look back and I actually congratulated you on FB, just nod and smile and pretend I'm not certifiably insane. Congrats to said baby and Mom for getting through the delivery. Congrats to you for not plaguing the world with an ugly kid. :)
I thoroughly enjoyed this post and am frankly grateful that you share your dark, closeted feelings.
Posted by: Brandy | February 12, 2010 at 10:02 PM
People have too much time on their hands if they are upset about you not announcing #4, or they should read your wifes blog!
Posted by: alissa wiser | February 15, 2010 at 03:27 PM