Life in the Kid's Lane

Part-time job as a detective, check!

As many of you know, I am often at odds with my children for various reasons. In these altercations, or differences of opinions, I usually end up losing. Recently however I was able to legitimately chalk one up under the "W" category.

A few weeks ago, my wife was telling me about a sad incident where #2 was at school, tripped, fell, and ripped his pants as a result. She (who is a teacher at his school) came down the hall and saw him looking very sad because the ripped pants were apparently very severe, so much so that she had to staple his pants at the rips to keep the rest of the school from seeing his underwear.

Over the next several days, she would tell me that he tripped again and ripped another pair of pants. Finally after the fifth pair it was necessary to buy him all new pants. Just three months after school started. So... being the mischievous child I was, I was skeptical. One evening, I decided to look into the whole matter myself. I noticed rather than a scuffed up, dirty tear in his knees, there were instead, perfect cuts across the top of the pleat of his pants. So I sat him down and calmly, Columbo-style, walked him through my hypothesis. 

Given the fact he is my kid I can imagine what his school day looks like. So I said... "#2, I am just guessing here, but given what I can see, I believe you were sitting in class, intently listening to the teacher. I suspect at some point you became slightly bored with the material and rather than being disruptive (giving him credit to build his trust) you were keeping your hands busy with the things at your table, which included the scissors on the table. Now, I wasn't there, but it seems to me that you then pinched the crease and then snip... cut them right across the top." I continued, because I know my wife, "And totally pulling this out of the air, but I'm sure when your mom saw it, she immediately asked, what happened, and asked you if you fell without giving you a chance to answer to which you (understandably so) simply agreed because that was a much better answer than anything you would have come up with." 

His face went completely white and he was speechless at my ability to so completely describe the situation. All he could do was nod in agreement. There are no words to describe the pure joy I experienced right then. If you can imagine skydiving with a Koala Bear directly into a soft kiss from your first crush on a warm summer evening... that was a fresh steaming pile of crap compared to the absolute bliss I experienced in this dad moment. The heaven's opened up, angels literally sang praises, and my wife was adoringly at my feet like that movie poster from the 1983 cult classic National Lampoon's Vacation. 

Of course, this was short-lived but it. was. real. joy.

My life is for sale!

Well, technically, my kids' lives are for sale. Tonight my wife decided that she was going to sell some of the toys that the kids rarely play with online. Within about 30 mins of the ads going up, two of the items were sold. She then began snapping pictures of everything she thought had value! I eventually had to step in adn explain to her that we cannot actually sell the kids, because one, they have little monetary value to other people and two, if she did I would have to do the dishes every night.

She stepped away and asked me to finish a couple of the ads. I of course can never do anything the simple way (during our engagement when we were registering at Target, I scanned, cereal, milk, and cookies, all of which we received... from my friends of course!) So I decide to kick it up a notch.

This was my first post, I was getting warmed up:

http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=218&ad=13315962&cat=521 

Here were the next two:

http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=218&ad=13316126&cat=521

http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=218&ad=13316310&cat=389

And here was my final:

http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=218&ad=13316383&cat=78

It reminds me of bowling, after three games, I really have to stop because it is all downhill from there. Apparently my writing skills follow the same pattern.

Not All Soaps Are Created Equally

Kid #2 and #3 are both of the boy variety and still shower together. Now before any of you start judging, (although, let's be honest, you already have.) I should explain that they are only about three years apart and neither is older than 8. My wife convinced me this was still a good idea primarily for the savings I would realize in my water bill each month. Again, if we are being honest, based on the additional water that spills out on the floor from their water slide conversion and fights, I am unconvinced I am actually realizing any savings.

Anyway, back to the story...

In recent months, the geniuses that they are, they have discovered the pressure created from squeezing water through the small dispensing hole in a Soap  / Shampoo / Conditioner bottle is a much more effective water weapon than simply throwing handfuls of it on each other. The only problem is, that annoying Soap / Shampoo / Conditioner that takes up all of that space in the bottle. While I was impressed that they discovered and mastered this physics concept long before I did, I nonetheless was not impressed at the money being literally washed down the drain. When I expressed this discontent, I was assured by #2 that the former contents did not go to waste, they were not just emptied into the tub, they served as ammunition for the war (cleaning the front-side), as well as a very impressive lubricant for the water slide they created at the back of the tub (taking care of the back-side)

Although impressed at their ability to baffle me (not the first time, see HERE) I remained resolute, I decided that liquid soap was probably not the best product for these particular boys, so I told them they would begin using bar soap. So I gave them one of these:

I figured that would be a perfect solution, the worst they could do is rub it all over the tub (which is too much work for them...) or try to use it as a skate (while dangerous, I was willing to take my chances) This has been working just fine, no more slippery tub, no more wasted Soap / Shampoo / Conditioner... until tonight.

Apparently they have used up all of the bar soap (in all fairness, I only gave them one bar about 6 months ago) and as we have already seen they are very industrious and decide that this was an acceptable substitute:

It seems that based on the product description, this really could be the best option for the boys:

The revolutionary Pre-Soaking POWERBALL® bursts into action to help soften the toughest residues.

Powerful Cleaners remove even the toughest stains and gently scrubs your dishes, glasses, and silverware (and boys) sparkling clean

JET-DRY® Rinse Agent Action helps rinse away residues, eliminating spots and film for a sparkling shine.

Can you say your kids have a sparkling shine? I didn't think so... I am a shoe-in for Father of the Year, I can feel it...

Slacrdad is a Solodad :-(

It feels like my kids have been away forever! They have been spending most of their summer at Gma and Papa's house. Here are a couple of shots sent to me while they have been gone:

#3 loves ice cream and has my gift of patience. When left alone for a few minutes, rather than wait for a spoon, he decides to improvise and according to him, "eat with his face."

 

In case you ever wanted to know what Andre the Giant looked like as a baby, here you go! Do you think we should upgrade him from the Papasan chair to a Lazy Boy? Considering he can get up and walk away with it still attached I would say yes.

Thankfully we will be reunited this weekend before my kids completely forget who their father is...
 
 

One more thing...

Just because I am off my rocker on Happy Pills (see previous blog post**), doesn't mean my kids still aren't crazy and I am not still hilarious! So there will still be plenty of funny material for the blog... stay tuned...

**For the record, I didn't provide a hyper-link to the previous post, because it's the previous post... just scroll down a little and you will be there.

Seriously, move the pointer to the little down arrow at the bottom right of your screen, click the mouse a couple of times and you'll be there...

Honestly, I can't believe how lazy some of you are here is the link. And if you missed it, it was the word link, l-i-n-k, in orange, underlined. Here it is again, but I'll call it Hyper-link to previous post. 

See, I'm still as obnoxious funny as ever!

WAYFO?

Recently I attended a leadership training (www.wayfo.com) sponsored by my company. There was a lot of mystery leading up to the weekend. Many other colleagues had already attended the training and couldn't really talk too much about the specifics but I knew two things:

1. People I respected came back more enthusiastic, positive and were excited about their day, so that got me excited.

2. I was going in June... to Houston... in June... outside for most of the weekend... in June...

I can't tell you  about a lot of the specifics about the training, mostly because the excitement and sometimes fear of the things I did are so much a part of the experience, that by telling you I would actually be doing you a huge dis-service, in the event it is something you decide to do for yourself. I am being totally serious here. It was for me, nothing short of life-changing. And not in that Message in A Bottle, I want to appreciate my wife more life-changing. It was more along the lines of strip me to the core, shake me awake, build me back up and never look back kind of life-changing. The kind of change you never want to recover from.

I did things emotionally, physically, and mentally, that up to that moment I would have never believed possible. I clearly saw where I am falling down as a father and was making excuses for my behavior. Let me say, just because you are giving your kids a better life than you had, or you are a better parent than you had, it is NOT ENOUGH!

I know some of you (mostly those who do not live next door) think I am a good father, and for that thank you! And if you do live next door, thank you for not turning me in! In truth, I was a pretty good dad, but now I am a Great dad! My kids get it too. I was "on the ranch" for four days. I have been away from home for longer than that before, and when I came home the kids ran up to me, looked for their gifts and took off outside. This time, they could sense something was different about me... none of them wanted to leave my side. All day they fought about who got to sit with me or hold my hand. There was such a noticeable change, when we were in the store, they kept asking me for toys or treats. They were going to take full advantage of this new, nicer dad!

So in all seriousness, let your kids be kids and let yourself be a kid too! Let them jump on the bed, get up there with them! Make this time in their lives as happy and memorable as possible. Make memories with them and be present in their lives. Be a kid with them, and don't worry too much about the mess, it can always be cleaned up. We started a new tradition, we have a dance party every morning, the kids love it and it gets them so pumped to start their day, and honestly it gets me jazzed to head into work!

The Story of Me (Kid #2)

Meet kid #2:

Recently in school he was given an assignment called "The Story of Me" where he had to answer questions about himself. Here are his questions and answers:

Here are five words that best describe me:

1. Inventor
2. My hair is the color of dead grass.
3. Wicked (as in wicked awesome)
4. Silly
5. Crazy (Imagine this as a drawn out craaazzzzyyyy, that's how he read it to me)
6. I color nice
7. I blow things up
8. I can climb trees

Keep in mind there were only supposed to be 5 things...

My favorite food: Ruby River Ribs

My favorite color: Gold

My favorite time of day: 7:00 PM

My favorite hobby: Eating

Here is the picture he included at the bottom:

He thinks very highly of himself. Keep in mind this is the same kid who earlier in the year at the end of a spelling test wrote on on his answer sheet, "Way E-Z!"

Clearly he is cocky like his mom.

Optimus Prime is Dead

If you are one of those critical movie watchers that are some how disillusioned to believe that the makers of Transformers I and II were out for an Oscar, you likely walked out of the movie after Optimus Prime was torn to pieces, but long before Sam Witwicky revived him in shadows of the Great Pyramids in the Egyptian desert. For those of you that recognize that the makers of Transformers I and II were really out to make a ridiculous amount of money and love the movies simply for the fact that they remind you of great memories as a kid playing with your new toys, you will be sad to know that Optimus Prime really is dead.

Here is the proof of his demise. This is how I found him when I walked down the stairs the other day:

 

No all-spark or special key from the ancients will save him now, its off to the recycling, thanks to Kid #3. He has this compulsive need to break everything! So from now on all his toys come from the thrift store.

Versatility of the Athletic Supporter

#2 has begun playing city-league machine-pitch baseball recently. The first practice was something you'd expect from the Bad News Bears, but not the wholesome, family-friendly version we grew up with, rather the irreverent 2005 Billy-Bob Thornton version. The coach started out throwing the ball at all the kids, apparently so they could say that now they've been hit by a baseball and would not be scared of it. Then he suits up one of the kids as the catcher and proceeds to calibrate the pitching machine, all while the kid is behind home plate.

He then uses this as a great reminder that the boys should have cups. I should say I am not exactly opposed to Coach Joe's methods, they are at the same time funny and callous.

Which bring me to the next story.

After that practice, we went to Wal Mart and purchased #2 a cup, batting gloves, and pants. The next week the kids are in the truck on the way to practice and #1 (the Girl) offers up some advice to #2. "You could just pee in your cup, then you don't need to leave to go to the bathroom." (I decided it wasn't a good idea to ask what to do if he had to go #2) He did however have a decent, and reasonable response, "I can't do that! When I run, my pee will slosh all over the place!"

He is fascinated with the entire concept of the cup, the entire practice, he stood in the outfield knocking on his crotch and tapping it with his bat while he waited to hit. I can't wait until he forgets he's not wearing it an tries either one of those tricks.

Competetive Advantage

The wife and I were driving home from an event and we got on the conversation of our kids and all the swear words they have learned. It hasn't been a lot, as far as I can remember they know, Damn it from me, Crap from her, and Smart Alec from me. Personally I don't think its that bad, but she does.

So giving up any chance of Business Time (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU) later I decided to prod her a little more. At first I was only kidding, but the more I spoke, the more I became convinced of my own genius.

I am going to allow them use certain swear words. Now for example, Crap and damn it seem appropriate. but then as they get older, they'll get more sophisticated words. Not only will it slowly move them into the ways of the world, but imagine how cool they will be among their school friends! The kids that swear are a little mysterious, even a bit scary. My kids would never get bullied. I really think I would be doing our kids a huge favor, giving them a competitive advantage really. The wife wasn't going for it, but honestly, how can she stop me.