Life in the Kid's Lane

Did you at least get a picture?

So my wife and I have a rule, well I have a rule that she sometimes follows, but mostly does what ever she wants. Sound familiar? One example, we go to a lot of social functions, and I am not that great at remembering people's names. So not to embarrass myself, I have told my wife (of nearly 8 1/2 years) that if I do not give the person's name when I introduce her to them, she is supposed to say, "...and tell me your name..." thus freeing me of embarrassment and maintaining a respect for the person, who I obviously do not have enough respect for, to remember their name. After all these years, this is how it plays out:

Me to John or Jane Doe: "This is my wife, Samantha" (not really my wife's name, but since I change the kids names I owe her the same respect, and Samantha is the name of Alyssa Milano's character from Who's the Boss, whom I love...Alyssa, not Samantha. I love Alyssa, and since we all know I have no chance, my wife lets her be my celebrity crush. Her crushes are Mike Piazza, and Dean Kane)

Sorry to digress, back to the dialog:

Me: "This is my wife Samantha..." They shake hands, smile, and...

Long uncomfortable pause... both look to me to complete the introductions...

Finally, John or Jane Doe: "Uh, my name is Franklin, nice to meet the lovely wife of the jerk who can't remember my name."

I would never be a good politician.

So back to the real reason you are here... On Sunday, I was in a meeting, and we, excuse me, I have another one of these rules about phone calls. She calls my cell, I can't answer, so I don't. If it is important she is to call right back, and I will excuse myself understanding it is important. So here I am in this meeting, she calls, I ignore, she calls back again, I excuse myself, answer, "Hi, what's wrong?!"

Wife: "Nothing, I'm just going to keep the kids home from church this morning because Kid #2 has a fever and is coughing."

Me: "OK, Wife, I just stepped out of a meeting to answer your call, and you just want to tell me that? That is not an emergency."

Wife: "Oh, sorry... talk to you later" As if she didn't know what I was doing at 7 AM on a Sunday morning.

So after the meeting, I saw her and adjusted the rule slightly and said, if it is an emergency, and I don't answer the call, send me a text, usually I can discreetly check the message and excuse myself if I need to.

That afternoon I am is a great one on one meeting, we are really making great progress, and my phone vibrates, I know its a call, and I don't answer it. Then a couple of minutes later I get a page, I don't look at it because again, this is an active, engaged one on one discussion. another page, and then another call, finally I answer it and it goes a little something like this:

Imagine the following monologue in an exasperated, slightly elevated tone, with the most obvious hint of disdain and sarcasm, OK, ready?

Wife: "Kid #2 and Kid #3 decided to have a "sleepover" in the top bunk for nap time. Apparently Kid #3 was crawling over his brother and Kid #2 didn't like it so he kicked Kid #3 in the face. Hard. There was blood everywhere, I put him in the shower to clean him up and he was so upset by the image he saw in the mirror that he cried harder, and started to puke. So there's blood and vomit and snot all over in the tub, he was crying for you because apparently you are the only parent that is able to calm him down and I tried to do what you asked but you ignored my call, and TWO pages."

Me: "You're right, I made a mistake, do you need me to come home ? I am coming right now..."

Wife (now in a flat calm voice): "No, everything is fine, I took care of it, he is calm and resting now. I made Kid #2 come into the bathroom to see all the blood and vomit so he could see what he had done."

What I wanted to say was "Did you at least get a picture so I could blog about it?"

I bet Samantha would have followed the rules...

I am truly an award winning father and husband.

Tender Heart

So the other night we were just finishing up dinner and as often is the case, my kids were talking about family, grandparents, cousins, the works. Kid #2 started asking me about my grandparents, all of whom are passed, and I never knew. He was amazed that someone would actually have grandparents they didn't know. The he asked me about my father and if he told me about my grandparents, to which I responded I've never known my father.

Now this is not the first time we have had this conversation, and every time it is a little difficult. I don't come from a typical family (not that anyone can really define that these days.) but my wife did, and that is what we have tried to provide for the kids. So as I explain this as gently as I can, while trying to not make it a big deal, it is obvious that Kid #2 is really struggling with this because he began to cry. (I know, I am very perceptive) So I asked him what was wrong, and feeling a little embarrassed, he tells me,  "Nothing, my eyes just leak sometimes when I've been drinking a lot of water." It was so upsetting for him to imagine a life where someone would not have known their grandparents, or even their father!

I am so touched with how much of a tender heart he is. He is such a sweet and caring boy and such a great example to me of how to be. I suppose I've become calloused with life and don't realize the simple things I have missed along the way. It does make me more resolute to be sure to give my kids the life I didn't have. I love my kids, and I am so glad that I can provide stability in their lives that they never have to worry about those sorts of things.

Blame it on the Kids

I am certain what has doomed my blogging is the fact that I listed some stupid thing like "Be a better blogger" as one of my New Year's resolutions. I would liekto say that the reason I have been do neglectful in my bloggingduties is because I have been working so diligently on my other resolutions. As far as the weight loss is concerned, I have lost and gained about five pounds, with the net result still where I started. Which isn't really that important, I have all year right? ;-) What about the book you ask? Well ever since I decided to do it, I have had an extreme case of writer's block, not to mention I have never, ever written a book before and have no idea what I am doing.

But, if we are all going to be honest with ourselves here, none of those things matter because this blog is about my misadventures in fatherhood. If nothing else, my fumbled attempts at disciplining, giving sound fatherly advice, and my never-ending "motivational experiments" are more than a bountiful fount of material. Or so one would think...

I would like to take this moment and completely absolve myself of guilt and place full responsibility for lack of material squarely on the shoulders of my three, apparently very boring children. Just blame it on the kids, I mean I know kids loose some degree of "cute factor" when they get older, but should it happen this soon? Here I am ready and willing to detail every single mishap, document any clever quip or phrase, but they are just not giving it to me. So please feel free, when you see them next to encourage them to try a bit harder. They may look at you strangely, mostly because you are probably a stranger, in which case, don't ever talk to my kids! We have a safe word, and if you don't know it you better cover up the junk and run. (Sickos!) But if you do know them they will still look blankly as if they are clueless and innocent (they play this well, but don't be fooled) I mean honestly, when it comes to the real reason why I haven't blogged, who are you going to trust, them or me?

The only thing that brings me comfort, is the overall lack of blogging in general. Maybe we need an omnibus stimulus package to get our blogging going again!

The Rock Show

What does your music library say about you?
--------------------------
1. Put Your iTunes on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write down the name of the song no matter how silly it sounds!
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Tag at least 10 friends
--------------------------

What do your friends think of you?
“I’m Yours” Jason Mraz

If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say
“Fight for Your Right” Beastie Boys

How would you describe yourself?
"Still Not a Player” Big Punisher

What do you like in a guy/girl?
"Head Over Feet” Alanis Morisette

How do you feel today?
"Satellite” Smash Mouth

What is your life’s purpose?
"The Way I Are” Timbaland

What is your motto?
“My Next Thirty Years” Tim McGraw

What do you think about very often?
“Hips Don’t Lie” Shakira

What is 2 + 2?
"Brand New Day” Sting

What do you think of your best friend?
"Wicked Game” Chris Isaak (Interesting…)

What do you think of the person you like?
"Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)” Big & Rich

What is your life story?
“My Front Porch Looking In” Lonestar

What do you want to be when you grow up?
"Ghetto Superstar” Pras / Mya / ODB (This is just weird now)

What do you think of when you see the person you like?
"Time to Get Ill” Beastie Boys

What will you dance to at your wedding?
"Desperado" Eagles (Desperate, maybe)

What will they play at your funeral?
"Under Pressure" David Bowie

What is your hobby/interest?
"Ants Marching” Dave Matthews Band

What is your biggest fear?
"Something In The Way She Moves” James Taylor

What is your biggest secret?
"What Goes Around” Justin Timberlake

What do you think of your friends?
"If I fall you’re Going Down With Me” Dixie Chicks

What will you post this as?
“The Rock Show” Blink 182

Moral Dilemma

I feel compelled to start by saying that I love Wal Mart. The feelings I get when I go there, the people, seeing neighbors, high-fiving everyone as I shop down the aisles. I feel like a rock star there. Not to mention they have nearly everything I have ever needed.

There are however, certain items I purchase at other stores. There is no substantial reason for it, its not necessarily because of quality, rarely because of price, but more because there are some things that I think should not be purchased at Wal Mart. I think everyone has a couple of "those items" that they refuse to purchase at Wal Mart. Jeans, bras, certain produce... For me, its cologne.

There is a brand that is very good. It works well, lasts all day, fresh, clean,scent. Yet I avoid if possible purchasing this brand of cologne at Wal Mart, despite the fact that it is cheaper. Its not a cheap cologne like Stetson or Adidas, or the latest J-Lo scent. It just happens to be one that Wal Mart carries.

I can guess what you are thinking, "what's the problem, right? Why are you complaining, your favorite cologne at your favorite store, what's not to love?"

Well, I think purchasing cologne at Wal Mart is the ultimate succession to my inner trailer park. (not, that I think Wal Mart shoppers are trailer park-esque) I feel that other people (who are also at Wal-Mart, mind you) are going to look in my cart and judgeme for buying cologne at Wal Mart. (As if the new suit in my isn't just as bad)

I can't really explain it, I buy everything else there (And I mean everything!) I don't know why this matters.

For All My Mormon Peeps

I generally keep the religious thoughts to myself, but this was too good to pass up. Tonight we were reading scriptures for Family Home Evening. The kids have all been struggling to listen lately (I know nothing new) but I was trying to help them understand why they should listen the first time, so I read out of D&C 10 about J. Smith and M. Harris. Thinking things were going pretty smooth, I ended with how because Joseph and Martin didn't listen the first time to the Lord, we all miss out on having the Book of Lehi.

After a bit of prodding, they realized that sometimes the choices they make effect others. Then, after much thought, Kid #2 raised his hand to state, "How about I talk to the Lord and he can tell me what was in the Book of Lehi and then we can all have it to learn." I then tried to help him understand that he first needed the priesthood, then he had to live very well, studying and praying everyday, and then if the Lord needed him, he would call him to help him with the Book of Lehi.

That was all the motivation he needed. He told me that he wanted to go back to the distribution center and get one of those little white books that tell the missionaries how to be so from now on he can be good enough to help re-write the missing scriptures. I'd like to take credit, but it was all him.

My kid wants to be a prophet, how about yours?

Did you hear the one about the Puerto Rican and the Italian?

As Steven Colbert states, "I do not see color, I believe I am white, because people tell me and because I dance with my thumbs pointing out..." Now I am not just a white person, but one that is particularly white. I have blond hair, I turn red if I get too hot and have to use a sunblock with at least SPF 375. As such a white person, there are certain clothing styles not particularly flattering. As a result one may assume that my offspring would also suffer from similar style prejudices...not the case. Apparently there are enough of my wife's ethnic genes that my boys can pull of some of these styles, for example:

Crushed Velvet Running Suits: Typically the clothing of choice for rappers named Usher and Italian Mobsters. Loved for their breath-ability while working up a sweat dancing or digging a hole in a non-descript field in Jersey. The wearer exudes confidence and casualness all at the same time. Apparently also a favorite of Kid #3, as seen here:

It also should be mentioned his favorite phrase of late is, "You wanna piece of me?"All he needs now is a wife-beater with spaghetti stains and some gold chains.

Fedora: Another fantastic piece of fashion that eludes the overly pale. You can see this classic generally on Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr., or old Puerto Rican men in the Pueblo town square playing checkers and whistling at the young women passing by. This comfortable yet stylish hat can generally only be pulled off by 1950's crooners or older Latin men. However a very well added accessory for Kid #2, as seen here:

Throw in his deep blue eyes and long eyelashes, and we have a perfect trifecta, watch out ladies... he also loves to sing.

I am really grateful to know that in this historic season of break-throughs and remarkable firsts, my boys are able to enjoy the full range of fashion possibilities that I was not able to participate in. I am sure though some barriers will never be broken. I don't believe any of us would ever be comfortable seeing Philip Seymour Hoffman in the same lovely white jump suit worn by John Travolta in Stayin' Alive.

Zombies, Luchadors, and All Girl Biker Gangs

Sound like the makings of a great movie? As it turns out it is actually the makings of THREE great movies! Let me explain...We have a Blockbuster online rental membership, which is great if we take advantage of it. I get unlimited rentals all month long, I can rent as many as three movies at a time, and every time I turn in those three to the store I can trade them in for three movies in the store, and they'll send me the next three in the queue, so I can have up to six movies at a time! I know, great deal, right! Well that's how they sold me, that and a great friend who is known in some circles as Captain Frosty (for his frosted tips) whom I trust(ed) explicitly when it comes to entertainment, suggested I try it. I am not one who typically gets caught up in over-promising sales pitches, but I was so caught up in apparent "tremendous value" of the offer and the double team of Blockbuster's salesman of the year and the captain's peer pressure, it never crossed my mind that I will never (and I really mean never) have a need for up to six movies at a time, unless my wife leaves me, which trying to watch that many movies just may ensure that happens.

Please forgive the digression, but as I was working to fill up my queue, I was previewing the new releases. One of the true benefits of online is I get to see movies that never make it to our local rural Utah store. I discovered two such gems, here are the reviews:

The original was apparently so good they decided to create this piece of theatrical genius:

"The writers and director of the original Feast follow the horror from the dive bar of the first film to a nearby town as the flesh-eating beasts prepare to dine on the unsuspecting locals before dashing off to the next well-populated desert buffet. The survivors of the initial attack have lived to see another day, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they'll make it through another night. Upon joining-up a desperate band of locals that include an all-girl biker gang and a tag team of fearless luchadors, the battle-weary survivors brace themselves for another bloody round of flesh-ripping, limb-hacking mayhem." ~ Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide

Here is the other movie that Mr. Jason Buchanan, from All Movie Guide was also very taken by, surely destined for greatness:

"A top-secret government agency has unleashed a highly contagious chemo virus with the power to reanimate the dead, and when the bug begins to spread through Sartre, Nebraska's most popular gentleman's club, the sexy dancers get an insatiable appetite for human flesh. Rhino's is the underground strip club of choice for men in search of some small-town excitement, and when one of the dancers is infected with the deadly virus, she quickly becomes the most popular dancer around. Before long, the rest of the strippers are struggling with the decision whether to stay human and keep collecting meager tips, or allow themselves to become infected and start raking in the cash."

Now, I'm no writer, but I can guess how that moral dilemma will be played out... I can't express enough the gratitude I feel that my boring life does not require such difficult decisions.

Ironically both of these movies were available for immediate delivery. If I were Jason Buchanan from All Movie Guide, I think I would seriously consider looking for a new career.

So Much for Resolutions

So one of my resolutions was to Blog more, and more consistently, as it turns out I haven't blogged since that post. So much for resolutions, as for the rest haven't really done anything there either. My neighbor is planning on four triathlons next year, that he certainly expects that I will also participate in. At this rate, I'll be lucky to walk through the parking lot. Apparently I confused loosing 50 lbs with gaining 50 lbs.

The great part about resolutions is they are forgiving, and will allow you to start over, at least mine are. So here we go, round 2!

Amazing Prize of Great Value!

Now that I am back from my un-official vacation, I will get back to the blogging. (I wasn't really on vacation, I am just using that as an excuse...) I have however made it a resolution to be better at providing more consistent entries, problem is, I have never been very good at keeping resolutions. As a matter of fact, the only resolution I have ever succeeded in completing was to get married by the end of the year 2000, even though there was no serious prospect or clear opportunity to accomplish this goal, I still count it in the finished column. And for those of you wondering, I did NOT just get married to meet that resolution, it wasn't until after I announced my pending nuptuals to a co-worker that I was reminded of said resolution.

So Happy New Year to all of you, good luck in your resolutions, and in an effort to help you accomplish these resolutions and in the true spirit of competition, I offer a contest. Any person who reads this blog, if you reply, telling me what your resolution is, the person who goes the longest without breaking the resolution will win a valuable prize** from me.

DISCLAIMER: **prize as defined above will be larger than a bread box, and smaller than an elephant and will be determined at a later date.  The term valuable is used extremely loosely and without any real consideration of what one might deem as "of value". Friends, relatives, associates, enemies, people I barely know, and others whose names I don't remember but I am still polite with in Wal Mart because I have an inner fear of being disliked and an insatiable desire to be accepted that I fake it, are completely eligible.

To enter, please post a response to this entry with you resolution. They will be publicly judged and criticized by me for lameness and track-ability (because criticism, it makes us stronger) Then when you break the resolution, be honest with yourself and send me another post and tell me that you failed. The person to go the longest, or achieve their goal first will win the amazing prize of great value!

The reason for this is because if we share our goals with someone other than our spouse, significant other, live in boy/girlfriend, or life partner, they have something to loose if they push you too hard. I have nothing to loose!

MY RESOLUTIONS: To loose 50 lbs by Nov 29, 2009 and to finish writing a book.

I'm here to help so be brave and let's succeed or fail together!